Ten down.
In “The Baby Shower,” we continue our journey into Carrie’s ambivalence towards motherhood. This is also the first episode where Big isn’t featured, but his presence looms large — in the form of Carrie’s missed period.
Our girls, in their standard New York attire of black, travel to the foreign country of Connecticut to attend their friend Laney’s baby shower (Fun fact - Carrie and Charlotte are from Connecticut, Miranda is from Pennsylvania, and not quite sure where Samantha is from. Probably Samantha). Like Samantha, Laney is an old friend who had a wild past. The voiceover says that they were “both wild, both sexy, both incredibly insecure.” While Carrie, Miranda, and Samantha are dripping with cynicism in suburbia, Charlotte is just ever so joyful over all things babies.
During the baby shower, Carrie looks around the room, filled with babies and their mothers looking after them. She contemplates this preview of a life that she’s not sure she’s ready for, and this is further fueled later in the episode when she checks her calendar and notices her missed period. Thinking about previous episodes, where she dismisses marriage with Sean, and then her ambivalence towards being with a man who is not interested in marriage, we see Carrie being a complex person. On the spectrum of Charlotte - who very much wants marriage and children - and Samantha - who very much does not want those things - Carrie is somewhere in the middle (It should be noted that there is a well-known fan theory that Carrie’s friends are actually figments of her imagination, and she uses these characters for her column. I believe Candace Bushnell did something similar).
I have only been to one baby shower in my life. Conveniently, when baby showers have been announced, I am usually not in the same vicinity as said baby shower. The first (and last one) I went to, I held a very sturdy baby named George, who kept grabbing at my breasts. My friend, whose baby shower I attended, commented on me being “ripe.”
The whole time I held baby George, I was so worried about dropping him. I believe he was only five months old then, and I thought about how incredibly fragile he seemed. And I did think about whether I could do this. Not just being a mother, but holding babies. I hadn’t taken up weightlifting during that time, and I was surprised at how…heavy babies can be. Especially when they start moving. Nothing like the sack of flour they sometimes make you hold in middle school to discourage kids from having intercourse. The next time I held a baby was a few years later at a New Year’s Eve party in the Bronx. I felt like I was fighting this baby the whole time. I was amazed at how sharp his fingernails were.
I like to think I won.
One of my first visions of being a mother was when I was 10. Considering this was the late 90s, I had a head full of black, voluminous curls that could have only been achieved with a wig, wearing a denim jacket with matching jeans, and cheetah print heels. I had adopted an Asian child even though I had no concept of what that meant. This child (and the other children I concocted in my overly active imagination) would follow me around like ducklings. In my living space, I would have a makeshift classroom, with those cute little tables with the alphabet strip, and a chalkboard (this was before whiteboards became more favored). I would quiz my tots and throw saltwater taffy at them for getting answers correct. This was my idea of being a “good” mother.
There is a lot of mirroring between Samantha and Laney. Samantha is motivated to go to the baby shower because she thinks Laney has gotten “fat.” Laney is insecure about Samantha’s perceived sexual freedom, but she frames it like she hasn’t “grown up.” Laney has “succeeded” because she got married to a Wall Street guy and moved to the suburbs. But deep down, she is deeply unhappy. As is Samantha. It’s not to say that Laney doesn’t like the things that she has, but she wants something more. She tells Carrie that one day you’re not going to recognize yourself. And also not to say that Samantha doesn’t enjoy being a sexually liberated woman, but Samantha sometimes seeks a connection that casual sex does not afford. They are in some ways two sides of the same coin. Both are insecure and trying to one-up each other. I mean, Laney has a baby shower, and Samantha has an “anti-baby shower.” “I don’t have a baby! Everybody drink!”
I also wonder if Carrie had a fear of “settling” into a life that she didn’t want to have. Carrie is in her early 30s, and while she doesn’t have a lot of money, she has a comfortable life, all things considered. She has a good career. She has a great circle of friends and a fairly large social circle. Having a child would actively disrupt that (despite the persistent messaging during this time period that women “could have it all”). She tries reconciling this by claiming that there were plenty of hip moms in the city with great careers. When the women grill her with “Who?” she reveals her period is late.
Laney appears to have a comfortable life. She did marry into riches, after all. But would Carrie be afforded those things if she were to become pregnant and become a mother? The cost of childcare globally has skyrocketed, while wages have stagnated or even dropped. Last year, I listened to a podcast on birth rates, and they mentioned that, except for the Congo, birth rates were plummeting in every country. And the number one factor in this was because of the cost of childcare. They mentioned how countries are exploring how to mitigate some of this - some countries are offering men money to appear more financially stable, to attract a suitable mate. Other countries are paying couples an annual stipend to have children. The US just wants to ban abortion (along with birth control) and no-fault divorce, and dismantle the few safety nets people have.
While I am not technically poor, I am closer to poverty than I am to wealth (as is the vast majority of people in the US, if not globally). I sometimes think about the statistic about how most people are a mere paycheck away from being homeless, and I think about how, while I would be able to survive if I were to suddenly lose my income, I don’t think I would if I had children. I made a “promise” when I was younger that I wouldn’t have children until I was rich, and that promise seems to get hazier with each passing year.
Later in the episode, Carrie is sitting in a playground, and she contemplates whether she would be any good at it. After her conversation with Laney, she worries about whether she would lose herself. Women are often identified by their proximity to men (“wife”) or family (“mother”). I’ve heard countless stories that once you become a mother, you cease to be anything else. I think with Carrie, there’s an added layer of her possibly having a child outside of marriage. Considering she’s already a microcelebrity for penning a sex column, what does it say that she’s unmarried with child? Would Big “step up” and marry her?
A little girl runs near Carrie at a playground, and you see Carrie thinking about whether this is something she would want. Having her reflect on these issues at a playground, where Carrie could be playing out her future, is powerful. At the end, she talks about on her way home, she got her period. So motherhood is off the table - for now.
SideNote:
The emotionally incestuous tone of the baby shower is….something. The mother and son who are called “The married couple.” Another woman who says she calls her son a “God” every day. I wonder if these women have daughters, and if so, if they treat their daughters this way.
Miranda talks about how motherhood is a cult, and how they all make sacrifices for the same cause - babies. She also jokes about how the only way to meet the ideal man is to give birth to him (truly a zinger). She also makes a good point about how the witch in Hansel and Gretel was misunderstood. “I mean, she builds her dream house and these brats come along, and start eating.” I wonder how much of Miranda’s negative viewpoint of motherhood (and perhaps society in general) shapes Carrie’s thinking.
Laney has the life that Charlotte wants (or thinks she wants), and her anxieties over never getting married and having a family are exacerbated by Laney “stealing” her secret baby name.
“She stole my baby name!” “You bitch! Let’s go.”
Samantha finally getting her revenge. Wanting to try something different. I want to introduce polls to the weekly post! Results will be announced in the next column!
